Stolen from Kim but bloody funny

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,"I am so sorry. For all these years, I've kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not
to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and
saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it
does happen and I guess 3 times is not bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well whenever the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.

And just what is wrong with...

Jupiter Zeus Xerxes Icarus Hall

Assuming its a boy, that is.

All Human Experience

History, OO2, non-PC rants and a nightmare in Cardiff. All human life is here. Saves me writing it as well...

Genius

From Anna

Ladygrove

For anyone who cares, the small lake has no water in it. It has grown a JCB, a lot of concrete blocks and a load of what appears to be whipped Angel Delight.

I wish I could use drunkenness as an excuse for this sort of ramble...

Lions - I am opinionated

51 players later, and Woodward's tactics have been shown to be very poor so far. Most players have not hit their form at the right time, he has not picked on form until the 2nd Teast.

Lions don't have anough leaders, strong personalities or decent fighters (certainly now Dallaglio and Grewcock have gone home). I am very happy to be proved wrong about the following, but...

Hookers: Thompson is not an adequate replacement for Byrne. They should have gone for Bulloch who might not be spectacular but is very solid and reliable. After the shambles of the line out in the previous game, that is what we need. We should not be pickig a hooker who is good at running with the ball. That is a nice extra, but the hooker's job is first and foremost in the set piece. Mind you, Mefin Davies and Robin McBryde should have been there to start with rather than Titerall.

Scrum Half: As much as I hate to say it, Dawson should start in place of Peel, unless Peel learns from Dawson and talks incessantly to the referee and gets into the oppositions faces a bit more. He's good at it, but not as good as Dawson - Dawson should start .

Fly Half: Hodgson is the form half back. Stick Johnny on the bench if necesary for a more limited game plan, but Hodgson has been playing well. Steve Jones has been better than Wilkinson most of the time at fly half as well.

Prop: Andrew Sheridan was superb aganst Manauwatu and should be on the bench at least. White has not lived up to his reputation but is still the best tight head on tour, and Gethin Jenkins has not really done anything wrong - he has been one of the successes (and will be superb for Wales in next year's VI Nations.

Wing: Who the hell has changed Jason Robinson into a kicker. He needs a good few more lessons if he is continuing to play like that! Shane Williams - very exciting prospect but could really go either way. Might be inspired, might get targetted by the big blokes and taken out of the game. However, he has got far more strength than anyone gives him credit - see the second try against Manawatu, from the penalyt under the posts.

Centre: They have seen sense and played Henson. Playng people out of position is a bad idea. Alfie has at least played centre regularly, but Ollie Smith must have thought he had got close to the team. Greenwood has just lost too much pace and D'Arcy has been very disappointing.

Line out calls: Don't give the book to New Zealand to photocopy. If its your throw, you have at least to jump somewhere, especially if you're up against Chris Jack. Shaw was unlucky not to get onto the bench, but Corry remains a good impact player as he can play second or back row.

Who is the bloke in the Leprachaun outfit? He has been picked out on camera in every game so far!

Grewcock vs Umaga and Mealamu

First Test, Lions vs New Zealand.

Incident 1: Mealamu admits to putting his fingers inside Danny Grewcock's mouth in a ruck, Grewcock states he didn't bite Mealamu. NZ know exactly which players to target and wind up. Result - 2 month ban for Grewcock. OK, if he bit that is unacceptable, but Mealaum should be cited for his cynicism in the incident - they were trying to get him banned rather than plaing rugby.

Incident 2: In the first minute Mealamu and Umaga spear tackle O'Driscoll. Again, clear targetting of the Lions' captain. the video evidence is pretty clear that they knew what they were doing. You don't get two people each taking a leg after the ball has been moved about 6 passes away and dumping a man onto the floor. They could have killed him, let alone ending his career. result - no charge to answer and the citing officer f*cks off to South Africa on the next plane.

The second test could go one of several ways:

• Gareth Thomas could call a "99" in the middle of the Haka.


• The Lions team collectively moon the Haka - we tried being respectful and where did that get us.


• Bloodbath in the first 5 minutes.


• Lions play for O'Driscoll and thrash NZ

Lions

Last time England played NZ at rugby, they played in the traditional English way and lost heavily (about 40-10 ish). Last time Wales played NZ, they lost by a single point (34-33) in a high scoring game, only losing due to a last minute penalty when two New Zealanders jumped out of a line out to win a very dodgy penalty, and playing fast and loose, very high tempo.

So how does Sir Clive Woodward choose to take on NZ? The Welsh way or the English way? Oh, that's right - the English way which hadn't worked previously. The result was inevitable.

Millenium Stadium

Standing on the pitch and looking around you, you see just how superb the stadium is.

Millenium Stadium Signage

Sam will certainly rant more about this. We went to see U2 last night in Cardiff. Rather naively, we left 2 hours to get to the Park and Ride in Cardiff, assuming we had a chance to get to see both support acts. Actually, no chance. You are directed off the motorway at Junction 33 but then there are no more signs at all. We ended up in the City Centre just as the Race for Life was going on - people thronging the streets. We finally got to one of the Park and Ride sites, but it apeared to be a gypsy encampment, so we drove back into the City Centre. Several traffic wardens later, none of whom knew the way to the County Hall P&R, we found the alternative parking site at 7 o'clock. Bear in mind we left home at 2:30!!!

As we got there, the car park closed. I, along with a good few hundred others, just abandoned my car on the grass verges. We reasoned that Cardiff doesn't have enough wheel clamps for everyone! Got to the gig at about 7:45.

When we went to the Tsunami relieff concert, the parking was brilliant, everything ran very smoothly. There could not have been more people. There were 3 not 1 car park, yet it was a complete "logisitical failure".

U2 were very good, for various reasons we left before the encore but they'd done most of what you would expect, plus lots of the normal political posturing.

Millenium Stadium/Cardiff Council - GET SOME BLOODY SIGNS!

Sam

I just thought I'd say that I love my wife very much.

Competition

The man from Ilkeston rants very well... Worth a read.

News of future new arrival

To anyone that we didn't email:

Dear all,

A short message to pass on the exciting but very slightly scary news that we are halfway to becoming parents!

Half way in this case means that I am now 20 weeks pregnant, being due on 2nd November. Actual date of arrival though is anybody's guess. If baby takes after me it will arrive early to avoid being the last to turn up and thus miss out on a good seat/welcome drink/freebies, and if it takes after Jonathan it will use the stated time as a guideline only, using the logic that no-one expects you to turn up then anyway, and nobody will be there until the pubs shut, so I've got time to cut the lawn/do the crossword/invent a new gadget. So, I guess anytime in October or November is possible.

20 week scan this week went well, all things that should be there are there, in the correct place and the correct size. Things that shouldn't be there appear to be absent. Baby has the erstwhile name of Tigger after the amount of bouncing that is done throughout the day/night, most of which seems to take place on or very near my bladder.

My mum has gone into baby knitting overdrive, while Jonathan's mum is still trying to come to terms with the shock, having been convinced that the nearest thing she would get to grandchildren would be Buddy (our greyhound).

So, all in all the Hall household is in for a bit of a change soon.

Love and hugs to all
Sam and Jonathan
Xxxxx

Spira and Guarana Boost

Cadbury's have stopped making the best variety of chocolate that there was - the Spira. It was chunky enough to act as a bar, yet had enough holes to lighten the sensation of chocolate on your tongue. I have asked them why they no longer make Spiras.

The Boost with Guarana was energy-providing, tasty and a good snack. It was replaced with the GLucose Boost which is less so in all of those categories. Why?

My Profile on the Company Intranet

After completing a PhD in the combinatorial synthesis of oligosccharides at the University of East Anglia, I left the flatlands of Norfolk to join Oxford Diversity as their 50th employee in May 97, so I am one of the longest servants of the company. I worked in Buildings 57 and 44 until 1999 when I moved into B111 then moved sideways into Health and Safety, being trained in the hidden arts of the safety practioner and becoming more tedious by the hour.

I am one of the few employees to come from this part of Oxfordshire - my parents still live in West Hendred. I claim Welsh nationality, play rugby, cricket and squash very badly, listen to eighties metal and have a very large collection of mp3s. I have a greyhound, two cats, two tortoises and a wife, not necessarily in that order. I have not had a hair cut or alcoholic drink in 17 years, which probably explains a lot.

I enjoy cynicism, beard topiary and general lechery. I intend to stand for parliament in a future election as an independent.

Find out nothing about me at http://rantline.blogspot.com.

UEA

We went back to Norwich a couple of weeks ago for the first time in 8 years. Very strange experience... Especially when the old residences that we lived in have been knocked down and converted to a housing estate! Some things are exactly the same, but some have changed beyond all recognition... (library, station, Catholic cathedral, UEA sports Park, hospital, union bar).

Definitely makes you feel old though.

Time Management

The following are the keys to time management:

• Use your starter motor
• Make routine your servant
• Every yes is a no to something else
• Distant elephants
• Salami
• The curse of perfection
• Once past the desk
• Appointments need to end as well as start
• Make time to plan

Quote of the Day

On seeing a colleague's six week old baby:

"How old was he when he was born?"

I'm not going to name and shame...

Signage

Putting a warning sign up does not exonerate you from all blame, and allow you to carry on working dangerously.

Tapping Up

In football, speaking to a player who is under contract is called tapping up and is illegal. In business, it is called headhunting and is widely practiced.

If Ashley Cole takes his case to the High Court and beyond to the European Courts, then he will join Bosman (Belgian footballer) and Kolpak (Slovakian handball player) in muddying the transfer waters.

Celtic League

The Welsh regions have been kicked out of the Celtic League by the Irish and Scots in a fit of pique due to the Welsh sides joining the English clubs in a cup competition. Essentially, the Irish and Scots are annoyed that the Welsh are trying to get more good competition and have trully cut off their noses to spite their faces. Whatever you may think about Welsh Regional rugby, surely it is better for the Irish/Scots to play the Welsh in addition to playing amongst themselves. With the state of Scottish club rugby at the moment, you would think that they needed all the friends, and decent competition, that they could get!

England vs Bangladesh

England are going for a 2 day victory over Bangladesh. If they manage it it will be the 5th time in Test history that a match has ended so quickly, and will be better than the Australians managed over Bangladesh in their last series.

Crazy Frog

Apparently ITV have had so many complaints about the series of Crazy Frog ringtone adverts that they have set up a specific phone line for people to complain. They said that they couldn't do anything about the campaign: they are a commercial company so couldn't turn down £5m of advertising revenue (twice every single ad break for 2 weeks). They will make sure that it does not happen again.

As far as possible, I have a policy of refusing to buy anything which has been advertised unless I was buying it before it was advertised. I'll go for whatever was not being advertise, if I have a choice.

Cricket

How come I can bowl extremely well one week and then can't get the thing on target in the next game...?

vs Aston Tirrold: 8-2-21-0 (1 catch dropped, 3 lbw shouts turned down, 5 balls missng the stumps by millimetres)

vs Stanton St John: 3-0-26-0 (16 wides...)

See: Didcot CC's Home Page.

UK Election

If less than 30% of the electorate voted for you, does that really mean that you have a mandate from the people?

Referenda

European politicians have been quoted as saying that if there was a "yes" vote to the EU constitution, then the European project would go ahead. If there was "no" vote, then it would carry on. What is the point?

Also, if a referendum says "no", then it will be held again and again until the answer is what the EU wants (i.e., "yes"). However, they won't hold another referendum if the vote is "yes".

Also, they will only hold a referendum when it is most likely that they will win (economic conditions, etc.).

In Holland, if the turnout was less than 30% they were going to ignore the result.

Democracy in action. I think not.

European politicians

Just where do European politicians (and President Tony) get off on blaming and criticising their voters for making the wrong decisions in elections and referenda? Surely that is the way towards unelected autocrats and despots, and finally towards a dictatorship which doesn't have to take any notice of the will of the people. Oh, that would be the EU then...

When will they realise that some things are unacceptable:

- The French will never accept a British way of doing things.
- British business is successful because it does not run on a French/German model.
- Currency is only worth anything if it is backed by a "promise to pay the bearer" - there is no democratic institution behnd the Euro.

Genesis

I've just rediscovered some very old Genesis albums. I'd forgotten exactly how much Marillion "borrowed" / "were influenced by" Genesis.

Still, its all bloody good stuff.

Easyjet

The buggers have stopped doing their overnight flight to Athens - only Olympic and BA do the flight that leaves London at 10 pm and gets to Athens at 4 am. And they are rather more expensive. It used to be a good day out (Dan...) - 1,504 miles each way, and rather cheap.

I've made a little brown fish

That one line from the trailer for "The League of Gentlemen" definitely makes me want to see the film.

Argentina against the Lions

A bit of a travesty, the Lions coming back to draw the game. Argentina (deprived of their best players who are contracted to French clubs) were superb and thoroughly deserved to have won the game. It would hopefully have shaken up world rugby a little.

Dilbert

Surely not every single Dilbert cartoon should be relevant to one company? I seem to have found that company.

PJ

Why is perfectly OK for my cat to keep me awake all night wanting to be fed (then refusing to eat what I put down), but if interrupt her in the daytime she gives me the most evil look imaginable.