Sudoku

The new puzzle in the Telegraph. Very addictive. Good logic problems to test your brain every morning.

Scouse involvement in Europe

To be clear, I'm not talking about dodgy holidaymakers stealing things in Magaluf.

If Liverpool win the European Cup this season, but fail to finish in the Top 4 of the Premiership, then the FA, UEFA and the Premier League will have a problem - enter the top 4 clubs in the Premiership into next year's European Cup (and therfore not the holders) or don't give the 4h place to Everton despite them qualifying.

Essentially, it boils down to a straight choice between Liverpool and Everton, resulting in pissing off half of Merseyside whichever decision is made. That might not be a bad thing.

Aith all that has been spoken about this, no-one seems to have said the obvious way of sorting out the issue - if the results pan out as above, then play a on-off qualifying match between Liverpool and Everton. Neither are involved in the FA Cup Final, so play it at the same time, or at least within a couple of days.

There - Jonathan sorts the world problems. Again.

Its all a bit academic as the likelihood is that Chelsea will beat Liverpool on Tuesday anyway.

Quins down

Its a shame, but I am glad that Worcester and Leeds have stayed up. Its in the interest of rugby for them both to stay up and an established club to disappear. Harlequins will return next year - I can't see them losing to many clubs in Division 1, although Harlequins way games at Birmingham/Solihull, Plymouth and Exeter will all be very interesting!

Zurich Premiership Rugby and Grove RFC

The Zurich Premiership must surely be coming to the most exciting climax in history. In a 12 team league, with one relegation spot, the final games of the season are today. Any one of 5 teams can be relegated, from London Irish, Northampton, Worcester, Leeds or Harlequins. Great sport does make great drama.

Grove were in a similar state coming to the end of their season. They play in a 12 team league, with one team promoted directly, and the second place team into the play offs for a second promotion spot. In their last game, they played Henley Wanderers, essentially with the winner going into the second spot and therefore the play off. They lost, and finished 6th overall - another example of a very tight league:

Idiots

There are idiots at all levels of intelligence.

ITV Coverage of F1

Its the best race of the season, Schumacher has caught up with Alonso and is desparately trying to pass him. Alonso is fighting for all he is worth. There are three laps to go. What do ITV do? They go to the commercial break. When they return, there is half a lap left and Alonso has won. Do they know nothing about sport? One of the worst pieces of coverage I have ever seen!

Civil War

There is a civil war raging unnoticed in the country. There are daily and nightly battles in every village, town and city, briefly fought, then the combatants retire to houses and flats to complain bitterly about the conduct of the other side. Very few wars are fought with such animosity, hatred or sheer lack of understanding for the motivation of the opposing position. The war is that between young and old.

On one side, the view is that gangs of teenagers wander the streets terrorising all that come into contact with them, drinking alcopops, smkoing and with no consideration for, or respect, for others. These gangs need to checked up on, kept eyes on and generally monitored before they commit crimes, both petty and otherwise. They are vandals, they need to be subject to anti-social orders, curfews and other regulation.

On the other side, there is boredom, resentment and a feeling that no provision is made for their needs or desires. Feelings of being trapped, not motivated or excited by life as it is presented, accompanied by the resentment of being constantly monitored, accused and suspected. Movements are subject to rustling and moving curtains and being chased away from any enjoyment at all.

My long-held theory is that as the world moves ever more quickly, the gaps between the generations increases greatly.

(1) Technology has increased exponentially: when I was in my last year of primary school we obtained a BBC Micro computer. The school's video player was old and clunky, indeed at secondary school the only video they had was Michael Jackson's "Thriller", so when a teacher was not available we tended to watch that. I suspect Michael Jackson might not be the most popular artist in schools today!

(2) Entertainment and television are unrecognisable from 20 - 30 years ago. Alcohol is presented in a very different and enticing manner. Television is presented in soundbites: children's television is on all the time and can only add to attention deficit disorder. It is just an easy outlet for parents with bored children, but causes as many problems as it solves. Having many hundreds of channels also means that viewing habits are split and marginalised. Familes have to make a special effort to sit down and watch a documentary or a piece of entertainment suitable for the whole family. The days of everyone sitting down together to watch the Generation Game or the Morecambe and Wise Show are long gone. Trash television (Tricia, This Morning, Jerry Springer) has risen and risen, along with the celebrity culture.

(3) Politicians fail to engage with their constituencies. The current UK election is about chasing focussed votes in marginal seats, so the 500-odd seats that are not on the target list don't seem to matter to the politicians. A few years back, the Conservatives set William Hague up as a young leader to attract the youth vote, and even dressed him up with a baseball cap. Was that ever going to work?

(4) Temptations are far more available. Illicit cigarettes were about as close as you got to being "bad" in the 1980s, and I managed never to indulge in those. Now, there is a far bigger range of chemical stimulant.

(5) Travel and communication are much enhanced: the world seems smaller and yet more parochial. Children are exposed to many more cultures, often at the expense of their own ways, which leads to alienation from parents and grandparents. Overseas travel is far more easy, and holidays (thus escape) more facile. Families have moved around much more, and there is no longer a sense of belonging to an area. Children from a small village like West Hendred can no longer afford to live there - they move to the towns and cities while the houses are bought by rich Londoners. The connection between people and their roots is far weaker.

The main point is that these changes have been far greater in all areas between this generation and the last than any previous generations. The rates of change are accelerating. This means that each generation is far less in touch with the experiences of the nect generation, Whereas there was a similarity between the generations in Victorian and pre-WWII Britain, the generation of the 1960s had a different experience to their parents. It was still comparable and those people have,in many cases, had their reelion then grew up into their parent's views. However, the generations of the 1980s and beyond had formative years completely alien to those of their parents, in turn leading to the misunderstandings and alienation which gives the civil war now ongoing.

Solutions? On a postcard..., or possibly in the comments field. There's another example of the changes for you!

Toilets

If you have a sensitive disposition, please do not read any further. This is a list of the 14 most memorable toilet experiences of recent memory:

Kuala Lumpur railway station. Sam was desparate, walked in to find (literally) a hole in the ground with a hosepipe running into it. She turned round to the (British) person standing next to her, and wordlessly they both turned round and walked out.

Gortys, Crete. In Greece, the toilet paper goes into the bin by the side of the toilet as the plumbing/sewer pipes are very easily blocked. However, the users of the public toilets at Gortys (which is a magnificent 4th? Century basilica) seemed not to have grasped this simple fact. Hence, the bowl was stacked several inches abouve the rim. Not pleasant.

Wells bus station. There is a certain time of desparation when you will accept anything. I very nearly didn't.

Adams Mark Hotel, Indianapolis. I had jet lag and was wandering around the hotel at 4 am wide awake. Unfortunately, I managed to block the toilet so badly that it was on the verge of overflowing whenever flushed. I have rarely been more embarrassed then when explaining that to the chamber maid, who immediately went to look for some thick rubber gloves. It resulted in a large tip.

Thission Metro station, Athens. Just don't ask. Close your eyes and go...

Newport railway station (and Bournemouth sea front). You can tell when a town has a drug problem due to the blue lights.

Waitrose, Rushden. Ok, so there was something wrong with my insides, but I have never been more relieved to find a decent set of loos just off the main road. Indeed, I have rarely been more relieved, full stop.

Debenham's, Oxford. In every town we visit, we find the decent local toilets and then keep going back.

Rhodes Old Town, Rhodes. Just outside the main entrance. Don't think about them any more.

Ladygrove Lakes, Didcot. Taking the dog for a walk, as I walked around the corner there were two teenage girls relieving themselves in front of the swans. You don't expect lower frontal nudity on a wet Friday evening. Especially not when they are being cheered on by a group of other teenagers further towards the lake. Actually, maybe you do expect it in Didcot.

Arc de Triomphe, Paris. I certainly don't expect to find a superb set of toilets in Paris. Maybe they are there just to make up for the other public conveniences.

Peninsula Hotel, Hong Kong. Just opposite the Prada concession in one of the most expensive arcades known to man, actually underneath the hotel. Unfortunately, if you are desparate, you don't check whether or not you have taken any cash in with you. Solution: wash hands furiously for 10 minutes until you can sneak out behind someone else when the attendant is looking the other way, and feel guilty about it for days afterwards.

The Hare, West Hendred (before renovation). Sam developed a septic finger after cutting her hand on the door lock.

Lake Maggiore, Italy. They attempt to refuse you entry into the ladies (this happened to Sam not me, before anyone reads too much into it). OK, Sam was 12 and had very short hair, but...

Tea

Anna,

I salute you. Let us join the crusade against tea. I have said it before and I will say it again: being British and not drinking tea is seen as being close to a psychiatric illness. If I refuse a cup of tea on the basis of "I don't drink tea", I feel like I've just murdered someone's grandmother. Or at least turned into dog waste on their sofa.

I also can't see the point of hot chocolate (it is meant to be in a bar, for goodness' sake) and coffee (if you want to be kept up all night then drink Red Bull, it saves having to suffer the foul taste of coffee).

Right, I've calmed down now...

Who Should You Vote For?

This is quite a good tool to work out who you should vote for in the next election. You answer 23 questions and it works out your affiliation by the parties policies. However, it seems I am a raging UKIP supporter. Which is probably fair enough! Try the test yourselves.

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

UK Independence Party

Your actual outcome:

Labour -14
	Conservative 5
Liberal Democrat -4
	UK Independence Party 26
Green -4

You should vote: UK Independence Party

UKIP's primary focus is on Europe, where the party is strongly against joining both the EU constitution and the Euro. UKIP is also firmly in favour of limiting immigration. The party does not take a clear line on some other policy issues, but supports scrapping university tuition fees; it is strongly against income tax rises and favour reducing fuel duty.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Ozzy Osbourne

You may call me old (please do, in fact), but I remember the days when Ozzy Osbourne was known throughout the rock world as a superb showman, front man for one of the most influential metal bands on the planet, and a great vocalist. His wife was a tower of strength as his manager, and was just about the only person who could keep control of Ozzy. They were never out of the pages of Kerrang.

Now, thanks to MTV, Asda adverts and the X-Factor, they are better known as opinionated loud mouths and/or doddering senile old fools who have taken far too many drugs.

It is a great shame that all the fans of their new celebrity status don't know what they are actually famous for - very few of them would know Paranoid, War Pigs or the Randy Rhoads Tribute album, and would probably turn them off if they came on the radio.

Televised Poker

Is far too addictive. The ones with the professionals are not quite as good as the games featuring 'E'-list minor celebrities (actors from the 1970s, people who failed to win Big Brother, comedians who haven't made it yet). What is worrying is that I now understand the nuances of Texas Hold 'em. I just can't find a decent computer version for my Mac, and I'm not going to be drawn into the Iternet games playing against real people. I suspect I'd fail to win...!

Jenn

Jenn,

Thank you for your kind words. I'll get round to writing back properly soon, it was very good to hear from you. Apologies for any anti-American sentiment in this blog, its certainly not meant...

Street Lights

I am going mad. Eiether than or I am really being watched. Paranoia is more than just creeping in: it is hardly sidling in from the side, unnoticed. Paranoia is here in all its full blown self.

Let me explain. I take the dog for a walk around the estate each night. Most nights, one or more street lights turn off as I get close to them, then turn on again once I have gone past them. Once or twice I could put down as a coincidence, but this is getting silly! I don't see lights going off unless I am near them, and other people to whom I mention this don't recall it ever happening. I walked up a stree in Oxford a little while ago and three consecutive lights went off then turned back on. Not all at the same time, but individually as I walked under them.

I have no scientific explanation apart form the far-fetched: am I emanating electrical switching impulses? Answers on a postcard.